I think too much...

And in the end, this will most likely be my downfall. Again.

If I pursue the education path and career field/path I am looking at, I'll probably kill myself within 5 years after finishing school (Hey, I always said I'd be dead by 30...) Why am I even looking into this then? Well, it's cheaper than therapy. Or costs the same. And in the end is more productive. Because, well, I'd be able to get a job. And all that jazz. If you're wondering what this is, it's called Thanatology. As of yet, not entirely sure where all this would take my career options, but mainly I was thinking grief counselling.

Having attended MANY funerals and dealing with A LOT of grieving relatives, so long as I have a good outlet (that isn't another human being, unless I take up boxing, or any animals/activities involving animals that could have any potential to become abusive. Not that I would EVER abuse an animal!) it should pretty much be a cake walk. On the other hand, it could kill me. I mean, c'mon... listening to people bitch and whine and blame, and cry and scream, and ask "Why?".... What could be better?

I mean, I've spent my whole life so far being the whipping boy, being rubbed raw, being everyone else's solid rock (although really, what good is a solid rock that has very little to hold it up?) Why change now? Although at this point, and after school I would consider myself a bit better equipped. I am a sponge, and I seem to be pretty damn good at it. I get everybody's/a lot of my friend's issues, which is okay, because they get them out and I can help them/offer advice if they need it. And I can do that, usually.

I already know it will be a struggle while I'm in school. I've no fucking clue how I'll be able to hold down a job during school. I mean, I kind of had to quit my last one due to anxiety and social issues. How the hell am I going to hold down one while studying a course that is going to do nothing but dredge up the guck I've shoved down, and rub salt in the wounds? Oh, and let's not forget the fact everything I have seen that is hiring and not an hour's drive away, is hiring the midnight shift (11pm-7am) and that is not overly condusive to going to school. Oh yes, I am fucked. Royally.

And as for after... well... I wonder how many grief counsellors cry on the job...

(Oh, and this isn't even the icing on the cake. This is one of the sugar roses along the side.)

(Bonus points to anyone who can tell me how the above photo connects to this entry...)