Ahhh Relief...

So Tuesday was my mom's luncheon, and in total I had 12 adult sized hats knitted, 3 kids sized ones, a scarf I knitted a while back, and a pair of tiny child sized store bought mitts. Apparently one of the ladies asked if I needed more yarn - my mother politely declined lol. Hopefully this has inspired some of the ladies to try a bit harder/do a bit more - Mom says some of them show up with 2 pairs of mitts from the dollar store and think they've saved the world (and it's not like spending more than $2 would hurt them, if you know what I mean...) I'm thinking that when I get bored I'll just knit some more of these hats and stockpile them for next year.... I may very well need more yarn after all lol.

The storm from last week seems to have cleared a bit. But that is good. I freaked, I know I did, and it didn't end well on a few fronts, but those have been understood and repaired (I hope...) And after the storm, the answer seems rather obvious. I've missed horses a lot. In the past week or two I have watched like every single horse movie on Youtube (which is A LOT.)

Tomorrow/later today I'm hoping mom will be well enough to go shopping and to the post office (the pizza we had for supper isn't agreeing with her, nor is it agreeing with dad. Must have been the meat - I'm not feeling too bad, and I had a veggie pizza tonight, so it must have been the meat.) I have 6 packages to mail off. Yay Christmas/Yule!

And since I'm going to the post office, that means my quilt is DONE!! YAAAY! It has some boo-boos, but I don't care. It adds character. Not that it doesn't have that already. It's also fiesty and fights back when boxed...as evidenced by the sheer amount of tape holding the box closed lol. And now photos to finish! (Remember to click for bigger images, photobucket wasn't cooperating so I actually had to upload these ones to Blogspot)

Quilt front, features water, land, sky, and a Tree of Life/World Tree with oghams. The sky is quilted with 4 pointed star designs, and the water is quilted with swirls and bubbles. The green edges just have a straight line border design.


Quilt back. The designs don't really show up on the backing in this photo.

Stress Stress Stress and More Stress

It's that time of year again. Or still. Something like that. Although most of my Christmas shopping is done, so it doesn't matter there lol.

My hat goal is changing, as mom's luncheon is about 10-15 days earlier than I expected it to be - it's on Dec. 1st. I'm still going to knit as much as I can, and we've also raided some of my older knitting for scarves and unfinished pieces to be taken apart for yarn because I plenty of those from when I was starting to knit. So far though, since my last post on Wednesday the 18th, I've knitted 5.5 hats (the .5 is the one I'm working on right now) and we've got one scarf (haven't raided the other finished projects, and I knitted a lot of scarves to be given away, or they didn't get finished so we disassembled them.) My yarn collection is shrinking, and in some cases I wonder about actually using the yarn for this project because I don't know how men (since the items are going to a men's mission) would react to the colour of the yarn - i.e. dark purple, or more "girlie" colours. That could just be me being a worrywort, but just because they are in need of the items doesn't mean they will enjoy wearing an item, and I mean, I don't want the icky nasty people-who-are-the-scum-of-the-earth-and-don't-deserve-to-be-called-people to beat someone up because they're wearing some girly hat I knitted because it was all the shelter had and they needed it. I would hope that wouldn't happen, but recently there's been a bit of a jump in hate crimes, and my brain thinks too much and I would hate to be part of the reason someone got beat up or something. But as I said, not that that will happen.

I got a university tour confirmed for Tuesday. Hopefully I get over this cold by then, or else it could suck a lot. I've been rethinking thanatology, but until I get in there and find out who I can talk to (which means most of my questions won't be answered Tuesday, but that's okay because they use student tour guides, and they may at least be able to point me in the right direction) and find out what my career options are afterwards, or if I need to do like... psychology AND thanatology or what.

Of course with my second guessing myself - which happens even more when I'm sick and feeling crappy - comes people's true opinions. Like I really shouldn't go into it because my mood won't improve because my brain hasn't had enough time. To be honest, I've kind of always been like this. Although having 45 people die in 4 years is rather rough, but sometimes that's just how it goes. It takes time to get through, but unfortunately, it doesn't "go away." And when you have a lot of people dropping dead at once, everything kind of gets supressed. The reason I chose thanatology was half as therapy, and half because people come to me for advice and for help. Often times this is related to death. My mom thinks it's a good idea because I am pretty much already doing it. I say I'm doing it because I'm tired of all the whining grieving idiots who get stuck in the "I refuse to let go!" and "I must be a selfish brat for the rest of my life!" stages. And I should know. I was there/am there. I have dealt with family members who are/were there. I think the main reason I don't want to go through with it is because I'm just doubting myself and my own abilities to do it, and there's so little information on it that I can find that I don't know exactly what will be required of me. I don't want to spend $30,000 getting a degree I can't use because I have to do another degree first/after. I can't afford that. Fuck, I can't even afford the $30,000 to get a thanatology degree. I'm going to sell my soul for it pretty much. But I shall wait and see who I can talk to about it etc. I will look into and apply for scholarships...at least that doesn't have to be done within a month or less, that can be done later, once I've applied and been accepted.

Anyways, my sick muddled brain has lost train of thought so I'm going to watch more horsie movies on Youtube and knit while I blow through forest after forest of kleenexes.

I think too much...

And in the end, this will most likely be my downfall. Again.

If I pursue the education path and career field/path I am looking at, I'll probably kill myself within 5 years after finishing school (Hey, I always said I'd be dead by 30...) Why am I even looking into this then? Well, it's cheaper than therapy. Or costs the same. And in the end is more productive. Because, well, I'd be able to get a job. And all that jazz. If you're wondering what this is, it's called Thanatology. As of yet, not entirely sure where all this would take my career options, but mainly I was thinking grief counselling.

Having attended MANY funerals and dealing with A LOT of grieving relatives, so long as I have a good outlet (that isn't another human being, unless I take up boxing, or any animals/activities involving animals that could have any potential to become abusive. Not that I would EVER abuse an animal!) it should pretty much be a cake walk. On the other hand, it could kill me. I mean, c'mon... listening to people bitch and whine and blame, and cry and scream, and ask "Why?".... What could be better?

I mean, I've spent my whole life so far being the whipping boy, being rubbed raw, being everyone else's solid rock (although really, what good is a solid rock that has very little to hold it up?) Why change now? Although at this point, and after school I would consider myself a bit better equipped. I am a sponge, and I seem to be pretty damn good at it. I get everybody's/a lot of my friend's issues, which is okay, because they get them out and I can help them/offer advice if they need it. And I can do that, usually.

I already know it will be a struggle while I'm in school. I've no fucking clue how I'll be able to hold down a job during school. I mean, I kind of had to quit my last one due to anxiety and social issues. How the hell am I going to hold down one while studying a course that is going to do nothing but dredge up the guck I've shoved down, and rub salt in the wounds? Oh, and let's not forget the fact everything I have seen that is hiring and not an hour's drive away, is hiring the midnight shift (11pm-7am) and that is not overly condusive to going to school. Oh yes, I am fucked. Royally.

And as for after... well... I wonder how many grief counsellors cry on the job...

(Oh, and this isn't even the icing on the cake. This is one of the sugar roses along the side.)

(Bonus points to anyone who can tell me how the above photo connects to this entry...)