Stress Stress Stress and More Stress

It's that time of year again. Or still. Something like that. Although most of my Christmas shopping is done, so it doesn't matter there lol.

My hat goal is changing, as mom's luncheon is about 10-15 days earlier than I expected it to be - it's on Dec. 1st. I'm still going to knit as much as I can, and we've also raided some of my older knitting for scarves and unfinished pieces to be taken apart for yarn because I plenty of those from when I was starting to knit. So far though, since my last post on Wednesday the 18th, I've knitted 5.5 hats (the .5 is the one I'm working on right now) and we've got one scarf (haven't raided the other finished projects, and I knitted a lot of scarves to be given away, or they didn't get finished so we disassembled them.) My yarn collection is shrinking, and in some cases I wonder about actually using the yarn for this project because I don't know how men (since the items are going to a men's mission) would react to the colour of the yarn - i.e. dark purple, or more "girlie" colours. That could just be me being a worrywort, but just because they are in need of the items doesn't mean they will enjoy wearing an item, and I mean, I don't want the icky nasty people-who-are-the-scum-of-the-earth-and-don't-deserve-to-be-called-people to beat someone up because they're wearing some girly hat I knitted because it was all the shelter had and they needed it. I would hope that wouldn't happen, but recently there's been a bit of a jump in hate crimes, and my brain thinks too much and I would hate to be part of the reason someone got beat up or something. But as I said, not that that will happen.

I got a university tour confirmed for Tuesday. Hopefully I get over this cold by then, or else it could suck a lot. I've been rethinking thanatology, but until I get in there and find out who I can talk to (which means most of my questions won't be answered Tuesday, but that's okay because they use student tour guides, and they may at least be able to point me in the right direction) and find out what my career options are afterwards, or if I need to do like... psychology AND thanatology or what.

Of course with my second guessing myself - which happens even more when I'm sick and feeling crappy - comes people's true opinions. Like I really shouldn't go into it because my mood won't improve because my brain hasn't had enough time. To be honest, I've kind of always been like this. Although having 45 people die in 4 years is rather rough, but sometimes that's just how it goes. It takes time to get through, but unfortunately, it doesn't "go away." And when you have a lot of people dropping dead at once, everything kind of gets supressed. The reason I chose thanatology was half as therapy, and half because people come to me for advice and for help. Often times this is related to death. My mom thinks it's a good idea because I am pretty much already doing it. I say I'm doing it because I'm tired of all the whining grieving idiots who get stuck in the "I refuse to let go!" and "I must be a selfish brat for the rest of my life!" stages. And I should know. I was there/am there. I have dealt with family members who are/were there. I think the main reason I don't want to go through with it is because I'm just doubting myself and my own abilities to do it, and there's so little information on it that I can find that I don't know exactly what will be required of me. I don't want to spend $30,000 getting a degree I can't use because I have to do another degree first/after. I can't afford that. Fuck, I can't even afford the $30,000 to get a thanatology degree. I'm going to sell my soul for it pretty much. But I shall wait and see who I can talk to about it etc. I will look into and apply for scholarships...at least that doesn't have to be done within a month or less, that can be done later, once I've applied and been accepted.

Anyways, my sick muddled brain has lost train of thought so I'm going to watch more horsie movies on Youtube and knit while I blow through forest after forest of kleenexes.